Why?  So many whys out there floating in my head.  Why did you have to change?  Where you that way the whole time?  I remember laying with you and crying tears of happiness.. at the very beginning.  Because I was so in love.   We had so much... and it was all lost...   I have been so strong.. maybe thats why I need this cry right now.  Another part of me being released.  I can't help but feel stupid for being sad right now.  I have amazing people in my life who I love dearly, and a very sweet man who treats me great.  So why?  Why does it hurt?  I dont cry for him.  I cry for the love that I had felt that is gone.  I hope I feel it again someday and I hope that these moments are even more few and far between than they've come.  Tomorrow would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary.  And while I'm not "celebrating it" it just is the one day a year that was ours.  I dont know how to feel.  Just keep feeling stupid and sad.  Angie feels stupid and sad.  A.S.S  yep thats me

Thank you

I want to thank you. 

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for being real. 

Thank you for being kind and caring. 

Thank you for making me smile and laugh. 

Thank you for helping me see the beauty in life and myself again. 

Thank you for not rushing things, for making me take my time. 

Even though my heart wants me to tell you more than it should, I know that if 

it's meant to be, then it will. 

Thank you for your kind words. 

Thank you.

I love the way you say my name.

I love when you call me sweetie and honey and babe. 

I love the way my body responds to your touch and your kiss.. 

Life is amazing. I'm glad you're in it with me.

Yep

FUCK STUPID MOTHER FUCKER COCK SUCKER ASS HOLE PIECE OF SHIT CUNT WHORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU YOU CAN GO TO HELL I HOPE YOU GET CRABS AND HIV AND DIE

Hooked on a feeling

2:30am?  Are you serious?  Well here I am again.  I wish I was sleeping...

Texting with you again tonight.  Was nice as I haven't really talked to you in a while.  But for some reason I had another head/heart disconnect.  After joking around about things, I started to feel that loss of what could have been again.  While you say I can say anything to you and shouldn't be embarrassed,  if only it was that easy.  I feel like I have already shared too much and scared you away.  I know you say that you are still here and that I haven't scared you away...  I wish I could believe that.  I want more than anything to let it all go and tell you how I feel... I really want to be that honest with you.  But I fear it will only bring pain.

I am working on closing off access to my heart.  With as much as my heart aches from losing what I thought was the love of my life, it had a mind of it's own and started to fall for you.  I am not mad at you.  I am grateful you were honest with me.  You haven't led me on, you have been nothing but good about telling me your feelings between "us".  I am mad at my heart for taking it upon itself to take steps toward really caring about you.  But there is a little voice inside my head when I think about all of this.  It's telling me, what if you work through your shit and start feeling the way I began to feel.  Will it be too late?  I'm not sure of the outcome when my heart is completely closed off.  Can I close it off all the way?  Lock the door and hide the key?  Never really done it, so I don't know if it's even possible.  But if that does happen... I'm not sure if anyone will be allowed in... ever.  That is a very sobering thought.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart.  Or maybe such a big heart?  I put every ones needs first, except my own.  I have been doing it for so damn long that I don't know HOW to put myself first.  Oh it's easy to think of ways to do that, I have even made a list of ways, but when that time comes, I chicken out and give give give to others.

It seems I am beginning to ramble.  I just pray that I can find some clarity in my life.  This blog makes it sound like I NEED a man in my life to make me feel complete.  That is not it.  Before you and I started talking, I felt sure that I would never let my heart get close to another man again, until I was sure.  I was prepared to never find a man worthy of my heart.  But alas, like I said before, it had a mind of its own.  Guess I didn't figure that into my equation.  But I know I don't NEED a man to make my life complete... this is something I need to work on as well, but the feelings I felt when my heart took that leap... it was like a drug I haven't touched in so very long.  It was THAT feeling that helped me get out of bed in the morning, brush my hair, do my makeup.  It was that feeling that kept me from drowning in the pool of my despair.  I am jonesing for another fix...

Jerrod Niemann - What Do You Want

Two steps forward, one step back

I really thought I was doing okay.  So my marriage is over.  Glad to be rid of him.  And I was, in not so many words, rejected by someone I started to feel something for.  But for some reason, today on my way home from dropping my roommate off at school, I was singing to a song and a single tear fell.  I brushed it off and continued on my way home when all of a sudden the flood gates opened.  I could not control my crying.  Thank god I had some napkins in my glove box because my nose decided to drip faster than my tears could come out.  Not sure what happened.  Lately I have felt the urge to cry but no tears would come, no matter what I thought about.  So maybe today was it's way of finally releasing me from the weight I have been carrying since my last good cry. 

As much as I tried, I could not stop the thoughts in my head.  While I normally don't like to try to stop, it's not exactly the easiest thing to try and drive a stick shift while blowing your nose and trying to see through the tears.  I thought about pulling over and just letting it out, but I just kept feeling like I would rather be in my home doing this, than on the side of the road.  But this house... ohhh this house.  I am haunted by the memories made in this place we use to call home.  So much of what I see holds some sort of memory of the time we spend together.  If I could I would get rid of it all and start over.  I hope to replace certain things one by one as time goes on. 

Glad the tears have stopped.  Now I feel like I can try and make sense of my feelings.  I wish I could while in the middle of a crying fit, but my emotions are too raw, and it's best for me to just let it run its course.  Now I am left with the swollen eyes and aching head as a reminder of the raw pain I was just experiencing. 

I can be enough

I feel like I have to just say FUCK IT and throw this out into the universe.

I WILL be loved someday.  Even if its not love from a man, I hope to find enough love inside myself to really realize that I can be enough.  If a man doesn't see, for whatever reason, that I could be worth fighting for... then it's HIS loss, not mine.

Someday

To whom it may concern,

What I wouldn't give to know what goes through your mind.  Do you think of me?  Do you think of the times we've spent together? Am I just something you can  quickly dismiss... until YOU feel like YOU want to have contact?

My head feels like you don't care.  It's telling me I should run away so fast, just as if we had never reconnected.  But my heart is wispering something else.  I have looked into your eyes in the morning light and have loved every minute of your touch.  Don't get me wrong, I have begun to build the wall around my heart so I wont be as hurt when the gravity of the situation reveals itself, but in a perfect world I wouldn't have to keep you out.  But it's not a perfect world Angie.

I do not regret our time together, in fact, I loved every second.  The butterflies, the inability to stop smiling, and the warmth I felt in my heart.  I told myself I would be strong, that I would not let you see my weakness.  But I think I have failed.  I have shown my hand far too many times, and feel as though I have been burned.  My head tells me that I need to stop all contact unless you contact me first.  To really see if I cross your mind and if you wonder what I am doing.  So far I haven't been that strong but hopefully very soon I can be.

This feels like a good bye letter.  I don't want it to be, but it seems like thats where it is heading.  You probably think I am a weird, random, clingy chick...  If you only knew how many times you have crossed my mind virses how many times you have received my text on your phone.  Maybe then YOU would have ran away. 

Will you ever read this letter?  Probably not.  Sadly I am not that strong.  Yet.  But I hope to be someday.  And I sincerely hope that you are there in some form or fashon when I can stand on my own two feet. 

Someday....

Another weak moment

I have had a pretty decent day, if I do say so myself.  So then why all of a sudden has this overwhelming sense of loneliness just engulfed me?  Loneliness, sadness, emptiness, hopelessness...  I look around and see what I have.  I am grateful for everything and thank my lucky stars I have my beautiful daughter and loving friends... maybe that's why this confuses me so much.  Tears well up in my eyes and I quickly wipe them away, ashamed at how I feel, not wanting anyone to see.  But all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry my eyes out.  By the time I actually crawl into bed, I will have buried all my feeling so deep that I will just feel numb. 

At times I have the urge to want to be near someone.  To have human contact.  Talk, laugh, sing, dance.  That feeling is quickly replaced by the urge to be alone.  Lay in a dark room with no sound, and just cry.  Do I need that distraction of being with others to keep me going?  Or do I need to take a step back and take some time to be with just me? 

It must be the night time.  Once the sun goes down, I can float on the days high just long enough to get dinner done, and then I'm back to square one.  Another night of taking it one minute at a time and hoping that's enough to get me through until dawn.

Glad to see you my old friend.

Every time I sit down to make an entry, for whatever reason, my mind goes blank.  Thoughts race through my head so fast that all I want to do is get them out somehow, someway... and when I sit down to write they scatter away like a frightened animal.  So right now, after sitting and staring at the screen for a while, I said heck with it.  No real thought in my brain right now other than if I am ever going to get this started, might as well be now.  And who knows, maybe this is the icebreaker I have been searching for.  Maybe now you will never be able to get me to shut up!  Who knows.

So I sit here this morning, avoiding getting up and getting ready for a long day ahead of me, so that I can say these two little words.  Hello world.  Each word so simple in itself, yet so powerful to me when put together.  These two words can mean completely different things, depending on what emotion I am feeling.  Happy, mad, sad, hurt, proud and scared. 

But for right now, I am just tired.  Tired of being sick, tired of not going to sleep when I should.  To sum it up, tired of not taking care of myself the way I should.  So hello world.  I will see you very soon.