Hooked on a feeling

2:30am?  Are you serious?  Well here I am again.  I wish I was sleeping...

Texting with you again tonight.  Was nice as I haven't really talked to you in a while.  But for some reason I had another head/heart disconnect.  After joking around about things, I started to feel that loss of what could have been again.  While you say I can say anything to you and shouldn't be embarrassed,  if only it was that easy.  I feel like I have already shared too much and scared you away.  I know you say that you are still here and that I haven't scared you away...  I wish I could believe that.  I want more than anything to let it all go and tell you how I feel... I really want to be that honest with you.  But I fear it will only bring pain.

I am working on closing off access to my heart.  With as much as my heart aches from losing what I thought was the love of my life, it had a mind of it's own and started to fall for you.  I am not mad at you.  I am grateful you were honest with me.  You haven't led me on, you have been nothing but good about telling me your feelings between "us".  I am mad at my heart for taking it upon itself to take steps toward really caring about you.  But there is a little voice inside my head when I think about all of this.  It's telling me, what if you work through your shit and start feeling the way I began to feel.  Will it be too late?  I'm not sure of the outcome when my heart is completely closed off.  Can I close it off all the way?  Lock the door and hide the key?  Never really done it, so I don't know if it's even possible.  But if that does happen... I'm not sure if anyone will be allowed in... ever.  That is a very sobering thought.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart.  Or maybe such a big heart?  I put every ones needs first, except my own.  I have been doing it for so damn long that I don't know HOW to put myself first.  Oh it's easy to think of ways to do that, I have even made a list of ways, but when that time comes, I chicken out and give give give to others.

It seems I am beginning to ramble.  I just pray that I can find some clarity in my life.  This blog makes it sound like I NEED a man in my life to make me feel complete.  That is not it.  Before you and I started talking, I felt sure that I would never let my heart get close to another man again, until I was sure.  I was prepared to never find a man worthy of my heart.  But alas, like I said before, it had a mind of its own.  Guess I didn't figure that into my equation.  But I know I don't NEED a man to make my life complete... this is something I need to work on as well, but the feelings I felt when my heart took that leap... it was like a drug I haven't touched in so very long.  It was THAT feeling that helped me get out of bed in the morning, brush my hair, do my makeup.  It was that feeling that kept me from drowning in the pool of my despair.  I am jonesing for another fix...