Why?  So many whys out there floating in my head.  Why did you have to change?  Where you that way the whole time?  I remember laying with you and crying tears of happiness.. at the very beginning.  Because I was so in love.   We had so much... and it was all lost...   I have been so strong.. maybe thats why I need this cry right now.  Another part of me being released.  I can't help but feel stupid for being sad right now.  I have amazing people in my life who I love dearly, and a very sweet man who treats me great.  So why?  Why does it hurt?  I dont cry for him.  I cry for the love that I had felt that is gone.  I hope I feel it again someday and I hope that these moments are even more few and far between than they've come.  Tomorrow would have been our 9 year wedding anniversary.  And while I'm not "celebrating it" it just is the one day a year that was ours.  I dont know how to feel.  Just keep feeling stupid and sad.  Angie feels stupid and sad.  A.S.S  yep thats me

Thank you

I want to thank you. 

Thank you for being you. 

Thank you for being real. 

Thank you for being kind and caring. 

Thank you for making me smile and laugh. 

Thank you for helping me see the beauty in life and myself again. 

Thank you for not rushing things, for making me take my time. 

Even though my heart wants me to tell you more than it should, I know that if 

it's meant to be, then it will. 

Thank you for your kind words. 

Thank you.

I love the way you say my name.

I love when you call me sweetie and honey and babe. 

I love the way my body responds to your touch and your kiss.. 

Life is amazing. I'm glad you're in it with me.

Yep

FUCK STUPID MOTHER FUCKER COCK SUCKER ASS HOLE PIECE OF SHIT CUNT WHORE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU YOU CAN GO TO HELL I HOPE YOU GET CRABS AND HIV AND DIE

Hooked on a feeling

2:30am?  Are you serious?  Well here I am again.  I wish I was sleeping...

Texting with you again tonight.  Was nice as I haven't really talked to you in a while.  But for some reason I had another head/heart disconnect.  After joking around about things, I started to feel that loss of what could have been again.  While you say I can say anything to you and shouldn't be embarrassed,  if only it was that easy.  I feel like I have already shared too much and scared you away.  I know you say that you are still here and that I haven't scared you away...  I wish I could believe that.  I want more than anything to let it all go and tell you how I feel... I really want to be that honest with you.  But I fear it will only bring pain.

I am working on closing off access to my heart.  With as much as my heart aches from losing what I thought was the love of my life, it had a mind of it's own and started to fall for you.  I am not mad at you.  I am grateful you were honest with me.  You haven't led me on, you have been nothing but good about telling me your feelings between "us".  I am mad at my heart for taking it upon itself to take steps toward really caring about you.  But there is a little voice inside my head when I think about all of this.  It's telling me, what if you work through your shit and start feeling the way I began to feel.  Will it be too late?  I'm not sure of the outcome when my heart is completely closed off.  Can I close it off all the way?  Lock the door and hide the key?  Never really done it, so I don't know if it's even possible.  But if that does happen... I'm not sure if anyone will be allowed in... ever.  That is a very sobering thought.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart.  Or maybe such a big heart?  I put every ones needs first, except my own.  I have been doing it for so damn long that I don't know HOW to put myself first.  Oh it's easy to think of ways to do that, I have even made a list of ways, but when that time comes, I chicken out and give give give to others.

It seems I am beginning to ramble.  I just pray that I can find some clarity in my life.  This blog makes it sound like I NEED a man in my life to make me feel complete.  That is not it.  Before you and I started talking, I felt sure that I would never let my heart get close to another man again, until I was sure.  I was prepared to never find a man worthy of my heart.  But alas, like I said before, it had a mind of its own.  Guess I didn't figure that into my equation.  But I know I don't NEED a man to make my life complete... this is something I need to work on as well, but the feelings I felt when my heart took that leap... it was like a drug I haven't touched in so very long.  It was THAT feeling that helped me get out of bed in the morning, brush my hair, do my makeup.  It was that feeling that kept me from drowning in the pool of my despair.  I am jonesing for another fix...

Jerrod Niemann - What Do You Want

Two steps forward, one step back

I really thought I was doing okay.  So my marriage is over.  Glad to be rid of him.  And I was, in not so many words, rejected by someone I started to feel something for.  But for some reason, today on my way home from dropping my roommate off at school, I was singing to a song and a single tear fell.  I brushed it off and continued on my way home when all of a sudden the flood gates opened.  I could not control my crying.  Thank god I had some napkins in my glove box because my nose decided to drip faster than my tears could come out.  Not sure what happened.  Lately I have felt the urge to cry but no tears would come, no matter what I thought about.  So maybe today was it's way of finally releasing me from the weight I have been carrying since my last good cry. 

As much as I tried, I could not stop the thoughts in my head.  While I normally don't like to try to stop, it's not exactly the easiest thing to try and drive a stick shift while blowing your nose and trying to see through the tears.  I thought about pulling over and just letting it out, but I just kept feeling like I would rather be in my home doing this, than on the side of the road.  But this house... ohhh this house.  I am haunted by the memories made in this place we use to call home.  So much of what I see holds some sort of memory of the time we spend together.  If I could I would get rid of it all and start over.  I hope to replace certain things one by one as time goes on. 

Glad the tears have stopped.  Now I feel like I can try and make sense of my feelings.  I wish I could while in the middle of a crying fit, but my emotions are too raw, and it's best for me to just let it run its course.  Now I am left with the swollen eyes and aching head as a reminder of the raw pain I was just experiencing. 

I can be enough

I feel like I have to just say FUCK IT and throw this out into the universe.

I WILL be loved someday.  Even if its not love from a man, I hope to find enough love inside myself to really realize that I can be enough.  If a man doesn't see, for whatever reason, that I could be worth fighting for... then it's HIS loss, not mine.